She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
