i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
