i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
