i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
