If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
