after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
