wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize