Need sex. Gaining weight.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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