I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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