Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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