The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
