i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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