I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
