We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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