I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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