Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
