So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
