I wish I could teleport
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
