I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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