id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
