Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
