just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
