she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
