I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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