I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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