You're completely useless in the revolution.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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