i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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