god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
