Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
