I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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