I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
