he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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