Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
