While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
