My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
