I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
