Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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