so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
