Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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