i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize