His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
