now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
