You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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