I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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