M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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