It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
