My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
