Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
