my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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