Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
