just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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