I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize