She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
