dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
