My nipple is on Facebook.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
