Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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